Dark Room Stories

"Relationships form the basis of meaning in human lives 
and quite a few carry an extra special weight where you put your complete Trust."

Unfortunately, when I lose a relationship, especially one that was so important and close to my everyday life, I lose that associated meaning.
And to lose that fucking meaning is to lose a part of myself.

I met few people who touched me somewhere deep and have a special place in my heart and brain.
I am not sure why I was supposed to meet someone who broke my Trust at the end.
Was that my fucking destiny or the enjoyment of those people.

I often contemplate, there must be a reason "Why I am here ?", now, in this moment which I never chose for myself.
Has this place and people or some external force has chosen me, to be here, in this situation.

I read somewhere,
“Every person you meet has a purpose to serve in your life to teach you something."
Wow sounds so amazing to those who believe in cosmic forces, astrology, numerology and other fucking money making shit.
If at all for a moment I have to believe this, I got several lessons for a lifetime from my emotionally abusive relationship."

Every damn thing becomes a blank void, empty of any real purpose, and I even begin to wonder if there’s really any point to life at all.
I have this kind of thinking for too long, where I end up clinging to the past, desperately trying to end my life so that I can get divine peace.
Now a few things from my Life's dictionary are over like Trust, Relations, Care, Family and the most important Life itself

Our memories are pretty shitty, and we often only remember the things that fit into whatever story we want to believe right now.
My identity has been so wrapped up in a relationship that’s now dead, and now I have no interest to explore outside of that relationship.
I’ve lost beliefs—in both myself and others.

The More Love You Give : The More Hurt And Angry You Become. 

Silence - The Most Powerful Scream

I haven’t written anything in a while. I’m not exactly sure what the reason is for that.

At least part of it is that I don’t know what to write about. 

Someone said, “Write What You Know”. So, here’s what I know, the whole ugly truth.

Its been years, Persistent Depressive Disorder has now taken over my life completely and I have surrendered too. I have to cry for hours to burst out of my hidden emotions and when I do so, I feel a bit light and relaxed.

I’ve missed work, events and much more because I have lost all my desires and have no interest in enjoying this shit life.

I make excuses. I tell people I’m not feeling well. I tell them I was too busy with other things. I tell them I forgot. I never tell them the truth- that I was in bed, crying, thinking and wondering if today is the last day.

Anxiously, sometimes I talk to myself in a dark room, then I suddenly yell on myself and sometimes, insanely beat and cut myself.

I am pathetic, ugly, weak, fortuneless and on the top of that "Cursed". Maybe I deserve to be lonely and miserable and that’s the reason I hate myself to the infinity.

I deserve to feel like shit. I deserve to die. But irony is I don’t die.

I tried to commit suicide but unfortunately, I was a failure at that too like I am in my relationships and life. I am born for failures and to be thrown away.

I genuinely think about suicide and crave for it pretty much every second of the day. It seems like it’s my only desire. I know it’s not the answer, but at times I just feel like I can’t move on with this life anymore.

I try to convince myself that everyone else thinks of me the way I think about myself, that I’m a burden and everyone would secretly be happy if I died.

Blogging might be the only thing which doesn’t completely suck and my pain will be immortal through my blog if by God grace I Die.

Physical Pain is Temporary, Emotional Pain is Endless.

My Twisted Life

Its been years now that my life has become such an emotional roller coaster and seems like it has become an endless cycle & I have no control over it.

I have been dealing with acute depression for 5 painful years, and have had a self-mutilation addiction. Just when things get a little better, shit comes up and drags me back to the darkness of my mind and takes me back into an endless cycle.

I can pretend to be fine for an hour, a day or a week but really can't escape from the ugly truth and eventually, I crash against the harsh wall of reality.

I can’t eat. Every time I even look at food I’m hit with an intense wave of nausea.

I can’t sleep. I am totally dependent on sleeping pills, anti-depressants and much more.

I am terrorized by night terrors and wake up with aches, pains, and a broken body.

I can’t go to work because I can’t deal with my customers. I can’t deal with my colleagues.

I don’t know what exactly I do and I don’t know where I am heading.

Some days I can hardly move because my joints are so seized.

My back, shoulders, hips, ankles, wrists, neck, knees and thighs have been a constant barrage of pain.

I can hardly even come up with the words to speak simply to people.

Life has gone so worst that now I can’t really open up to normal people, not only because they wouldn’t understand, but also because they would likely judge me and what I am going through.

With other people, who are familiar with and have experienced depression, suicidal thoughts, self-harm, and extreme desperation, it feels like I already know a part of them even if I have never met them before. 

Yes, I do take full responsibility for this ugly turn of life. I do have every reason to walk away but I always find that tiny reason to stay and I cling on to it.

I know that I am hurting myself daily by clinging to that bit of hope.

Maybe I’m absolutely terrified of accepting the cruel reality before my eyes.

No one knows my sorrows. I wouldn’t bother to tell anyone about it.

Why waste their time. Why give them something to worry about.

Why put a pause on someone's happiness. Why make more fun of mine.

None of this probably makes sense.

I am at my breaking point that I feel even my brain has suffered.

What am I to do, when after five years of hell, I have finally lost my will to live?

Worst of all, my mutilation has reached its peak.

I have no more unscarred skin left to burn, scratch, or cut.

So instead of opening new wounds, I thought I’d write. I’d write away my pain.

A Paragraph. A Short Story. A Novel.

I don’t care what, I will just write until I can’t write anymore.

"The Soul Usually knows what to do to Heal Itself.
The Challenge is to Silence the Mind."

Why do I feel Like to Commit Suicide?

Thoughts of killing yourself can be complex, scary and confusing. Its not that you are crazy, weak, or bad if you feel suicidal.
To feel like committing suicide doesn't always mean that you want to die, it only means that you have more pain than you can cope with right now.

People will often tell you that you are not the only one having issues in your life and somewhere its correct too, every person has its own issues.
However it depends from person to person that how much he can bear his/her problem and cope up with the situation.
What might be bearable to someone else, may not be bearable to you. Individuals vary greatly in their capacity to withstand pain.
Willpower has nothing to do with it. Of course you would cheer up yourself, if you could.

When pain exceeds pain-coping resources, suicidal feelings are the result.
I wont advocate here that Suicide is either wrong or right; its not an issue or defect in someone's character; it is morally neutral.
It is simply an imbalance of pain versus coping resources.
The person who wants to commit suicide is someone who lost hope towards reaching an important goal.

It is obvious that every human wants to live.
No matter what their personal circumstance each human claws against death until they either don't see it coming, or they feel there is no alternative for them.

I will respect your feelings & freedom to make your own decisions, including the decision to take your own life.

Everyone have their own views and previews about life and they love to live it in their own unique ways
People Who Attempt Suicide Don't Want to Die, They Want to Be Free of Pain

"Life moves but memories never fade"

Some Wait for End; Some Love to Quit

I have lost my lust for life many years ago. 

At first, I thought it was a bad phase that will pass away after some time but I realize that the older I get, the more I lose the desire to live.

I really don’t think it’s a psychological or any other medical issue, I think my continuous and ongoing problems have made my way of living fully negative.

Every day has become monotonous and everything sucks... nothing is exciting anymore and everything looks boring.

To be very honest I am really not living my life now, just passing it by...I don’t know how long I will go before I take action.

Whenever I hear of a Celebrity that dies young, I am filled with enthusiasm. I feel like, “Wow, they did it! They escaped!”
Instead of feeling sorry, I felt happy for them. I like stories where people die young. For me to commit suicide is a heroic act.

All I can think is, it must be easier to die and start again in the next life and if there isn’t the next life then I'll be gone so who cares?
Max to max 1 month from now, no one will remember me.
Maybe it's just nothing. Maybe I'd be reborn. Maybe I'd go to hell but who knows what happen after death. But perhaps it's something positive.

Taking my own life sounds terrible to other people right now but to me, it sounds really good right now. I just want to go to sleep without the thought of waking up

"Let’s make disappearances last forever."

My Stolen & Dead Life

All I wanted to be a normal life, to have a happy and peaceful life, to love and be loved. That’s all I ask for. Apparently, that’s just too much.
After 27 years, my life hasn’t gotten any better–in fact, it’s gotten multitudes worse.
I’m even more messed up, completely broken from inside and unable to cope with life.

Will I ever feel fine? Will I ever be able to be at ease and enjoy life?
At this moment, I feel hopeless, in despair. Will things ever get better? If it hasn’t by now, what makes me think it ever will??
I just don’t have any confidence that I will be able to fix my life and to fix myself.
I haven’t been able to do it so far, only been dragging myself further and further down the depths of mental instability.

Every day when I wake up, I feel my heart is being squeezed, it hurts so much that I can't take it anymore, just want to go back to sleep and never wake up.
Every day, every minute and every second I feel like I should die!
I have never experienced true love or true friendship, but what I know is that I feel so lonely and sad that I cry every night!

Every day I think up more than 10 different ways I could kill myself.
It’s actually getting worse like I feel I need help, but then I feel like nothing can help the pain, it’s horrible, I actually don’t know what to do with my life.
I feel like no one care for me anymore, like they just want me to die, that if I’m gone their life would be way better.
I’m trying my best here, but I just don’t see the reason for living, or for breathing, I’m just done.

The time between feeling some level of normal and giving anything for death to free me from this is getting shorter and shorter.
No one else knows how depressed I really am. I mask it very well- I go through the motions of life while feeling nothing but wanting to be dead.
If this is going to be the rest of my life, do I want the rest of my life? The stupidest thing I hear is that people envy me wishing they had my life.
Really would they envy me if they knew the truth? That I feel nothing, that I am so worthless that I don’t deserve to breathe?

I’m so tired of faking the same smile every day and pretending to be happy when I’m not. Why can’t I manage to be happy?
Whenever I begin to feel better something bad happens and ruins it.

I’ve been battling with depression for almost 5 years now,and I’ve been planing for a while now how to die.
I just want this life to be over, I feel I suffered enough and I just can’t take it anymore..the pain..the loneliness..the disappointments,
but most of all not having anyone to ask for help..having someone I can explain that I'm suffering and I need help.
I forgot how to laugh ..how to smile..depression has taken over my life now and I realized it's here to stay.
I m angry and sad all the time. I know now there is nothing for me in this world, I finally realized that.

Maybe I can make a difference in another life...

This is not a cry for help... I just wanted someone to know I was here,and to all reading this..maybe it will get better for you.

"No one is ever busy in his/her life. Its all about Priorities.

Love doesn't start in morning & doesn't end in evening.

It starts wen U don't need it & it ends wen U need it most.

Tears don't come wen U miss A person But they come wen U don't want to miss a person."