I haven’t written anything in a while. I’m not exactly sure
what the reason is for that.
At least part of it is that I don’t know what to write
about.
Someone said, “Write What You Know”. So, here’s what I know, the whole
ugly truth.
Its been years, Persistent Depressive Disorder has now taken over my
life completely and I have surrendered too. I have to cry for hours to burst out of my hidden emotions and
when I do so, I feel a bit light and relaxed.
I’ve missed work, events and much more because I have lost
all my desires and have no interest in enjoying this shit life.
I make excuses. I tell people I’m not feeling well. I tell
them I was too busy with other things. I tell them I forgot. I never tell them the truth- that I was in bed, crying,
thinking and wondering if today is the last day.
Anxiously, sometimes I talk to myself in a dark room, then I
suddenly yell on myself and sometimes, insanely beat and cut myself.
I am pathetic, ugly, weak, fortuneless and on the top of
that "Cursed". Maybe I deserve to be lonely and miserable and that’s
the reason I hate myself to the infinity.
I deserve to feel like shit. I deserve to die. But irony is
I don’t die.
I tried to commit suicide but unfortunately, I was a failure at that too like I am in my relationships and life. I am born for
failures and to be thrown away.
I genuinely think about suicide and crave for it pretty much every second of the day. It seems like it’s my only desire. I know it’s not the answer, but at times I just feel like I can’t move on with this life anymore.
I try to convince myself that everyone else thinks of me the way I think about myself, that I’m a burden and everyone would secretly be
happy if I died.
Blogging might be the only thing which doesn’t completely
suck and my pain will be immortal through my blog if by God grace I Die.
Physical Pain is Temporary, Emotional Pain is Endless.
